I've been pretty ill

I try to keep personal mental health stuff off of my main blog here as much as possible these days, mostly to focus more on books and writing, but when my mental health is at a point where it affects my ability to do these things, I need to say something.

The past few years have been difficult, right up there with some of the most traumatizing years of my life, and not just because of the pandemic. I realized for the first time a few years ago, that I truly did have PTSD after experiencing some of the most frightening symptoms I've ever endured. I began to dissociate and hallucinate more and was diagnosed with depersonalization/derealization disorder this year, which is a dissociative disorder that affects your ability to file memories, as you're not really present in reality to file them. I came to the realization, again, that I truly do have borderline personality disorder despite my effort to shove it down somewhere deep, and I found out I was on the autism spectrum two years ago.

Between the trauma dreams, heightened anxiety, dark thoughts, delusions, and self-harm, I started to experience worsened chronic illnesses, such as fibromyalgia, spinal stenosis, and GERD. I'm at a point now where I can only do what's necessary to care for myself and my cats before I'm completely zapped. At my worst, I've slept ten hours a night and still nearly fell asleep during the day while enduring peripheral neuropathy, a kind of nerve damage, in my feet and hands.

I mention it all not because I want sympathy, but because I'm explaining my reason for not having written much lately. For not keeping up with this blog. For not keeping up with the myriad of things I should be keeping up with to get anywhere as a self-published author. I think often about what I should be doing. I think even more about the insecurities that have surfaced more than not lately.

Will I ever make it? Will anything I do mean something? Am I going to fail? Will I always remain in the void of the internet? And will anything ever get better?

And I realized tonight, despite the dark thoughts fighting me on it, that something needs to change. I may have found a comfort in the rainy day depressions that latch on like an old case of melancholy, but I know it's not good to do. I don't have a lot of control over this stuff, but I know I have control over how I respond to it.

It's a lot. It's genuinely a lot to shoulder, and I am nervous to speak about it, as I've become in recent years, because I don't want to come off the wrong way. I don't need sympathy, talking about it really won't do anything but show how miserable I've been. I guess I'm just reaching out, hoping that if I'm open and honest, it can finally bring something good my way. Maybe some solidarity, some help.

I want to help myself, but I lack the energy to help myself, if that makes sense. My support system outside of medical professionals is very small, and I don't want to burden them with such a heavy thing. At least one good thing has happened recently after a string of bad luck; I was assigned a case manager again after being without one since February.

I can't drive and I can't walk very far without pain, so I'm limited in what I can do and where I can go on my own. With the fatigue as bad as it's been, it really helps to have someone who can get me where I need to go without having to worry. I'm definitely going to ask if there are any groups or day programs I can attend to get out of the house, since I don't really go outside much anymore. I want to take some little steps to try to improve my life as much as is possible right now. I especially need to start eating better, as I no longer cook for myself.

Most importantly, I want to be inspired again. I'm tired of the trauma cycling, the PTSD night terrors keeping me in a loop, and the feeling of constantly being in pain or ill. There has to be a way to improve this life, and I want to try.

If you're in a similar position with mental health or chronic illnesses, or both, just know you're not alone. It may not help much to hear, but sometimes it's good to know we're not suffering alone, even if there isn't a direct path to a solution right now. Just having solidarity keeps hope alive a little.

I'll try to do something. Until then, I'll try my best to sort out what priorities are most important where my books are concerned. I won't be making any videos for TikTok or YouTube, and I'll try to focus on this blog and Twitter. Just for now. I may pop on Instagram. I am currently not able to focus to read anything, so I've fallen behind on my goal to leave more book reviews, but I will keep boosting other authors on social media, especially queer authors during Pride.

I still want to keep my goal of releasing my second book, Open Wound, this year. It's the follow-up to Everything Is Wonderful Now, and it's my favorite book I've written so far. It's fallen behind schedule due to some unexpected delays, but I will have it out by fall at the latest.

I'm hanging in there for now. I hope better days are ahead.