Starting over in the midst of chaos

I feel like I need a fresh start. Not a day has gone by recently where I haven't thought of my past wrongs, the years of trauma I endured, the bridges I burned during psychotic symptoms, and all of the horrible things currently happening in America.

I want to start over somehow, but when I get a moment of silence, all I can do is cry. I feel like starting over right now, of all times, is going to be more difficult than it would've been a few years ago before the pandemic. I'm still dealing with stress in my life, as well as my depression worsening because my shower currently isn't useable. It's just been a non-stop barrage of stress since I can last remember.

My soul is exhausted and I feel like everything is on fire, and I don't know how to stop the fire. When I log onto social media, everyone is fighting endlessly about everything from politics to tone- and word-policing, down to little things like how someone uses or doesn't use voicemail on their cellphone.

Trying to wiggle back in with a new outlook, ready to share my art and books and become more involved and supportive of friends in the writing community, feels drowned out by graphically violent images and videos of dead bodies and gore from gun violence. By arguments in echo chambers of people tearing each other apart about everything and anything — even tearing down their own people. And it's painful enough that the government is taking our rights away. Freedom doesn't exist anymore in America. It hasn't existed for many of us for some time.

And through all this, I'm trying to heal from several traumas that are currently trigger words across all social media and news channels. Muting words and phrases just makes algorithms throw it back in with different wording, and at this point, just getting on social media or YouTube's main page is risking my mental health. It's a nightmare when one of your biggest triggers is the current talking point everyone's latched onto.

The blank slate I'm starting over with is a sad one of my own creation, and in that regard, I need a space to heal, but those spaces online I need to start over with are filled with landmines.

I feel I will be buried in all of this horribleness in spaces where most of my social interaction comes from, and if I cut it out of my life, even temporarily, I will be isolated even more than I already am in a small backroad town near the country.

I will try to focus on surviving, and I've done a poor job of that lately. Some days I struggle to want to stay alive. I'm still here, though.

I recently did one thing I thought I wouldn't do. I compiled my poetry and short prose into a proper book. I did it with my nerves screaming at me because I am not confident in my poetry, but it's on Wattpad for free if darker poetry is something you'd be into.

I've also been working on narrations of my poetry and short prose when I have the energy. It's all on my YouTube, but the last thing I made of my own work is here:

I've also attached the videos I did of certain pieces in my poetry collection to each one in the book I posted to Wattpad. I may work on making more in the near future, spoons permitting.

I'm a little lost on what to do or where to start, since starting over seems like the best option. My mental health is the worst it's been in some time, and I'm trying my best to just soldier through everything. Creating art in different forms is part of my survival mechanism, so I'll just stick with that for now.